It’s official! I have relinquished barbiedreamhearse.com to Mattel, and the transfer will go through in about a week. Now Mattel rest easy knowing that no one will confuse a real woman driving around in a hearse with a cheap plastic doll of ridiculous proportions. Because the two concepts are so fucking confusing.
I just wanted to remind everyone to check platkat.com for all my latest hearse happenings. Some fun changes and surprises are on the way, so stay tuned!
Thanks to the fantastic guys at L-M Auto, the Boobie Dream Hearse has a fully functional set of headlights. I hate having to get my car fixed, but I like going to L-M, if that makes any sense.
Also, I hate having to deal with the SPD, but I’ve spoken with some kind and competent officers. The one who handled my case was nice enough, but said he probably couldn’t do anything. He then repeated this lamentation to one of my neighbors who reported an incident right after me. Yes, two more cars were vandalized just days after mine. But even if my hearse wasn’t the target of someone’s rage against death humor, I don’t feel much better. We put cameras all over the city, but we can’t put them in garages in quiet neighborhoods where we park our most expensive possessions.
I didn’t expect the cops to do much, since a broken headlight is considered a petty crime. Another thing I didn’t expect was how long it would take to report the incident. I discovered the damages on Saturday and called the non-emergency number. I was told that my issue would receive more attention if I could provide (mostly unhelpful) security footage. The property manager gave me the footage on Monday, and for the next three days I played phone tag with SPD’s crappy reporting system.
On Tuesday, they left a voicemail to recognize the fact that I had called a long-ass time ago and they still hadn’t sent anyone. The call back number went to a recording from the City of Seattle. The recording basically said, “Someone from the city called you. There’s no way to tell which department. There’s no way to tell who it was. If you’re trying to get in touch with someone here, go back in time to before the call was made and answer your phone, dickhead.”
Go ahead, give it a ring: (206) 733-9093.
While the folks at the SPD are doing their best to be public servants, whoever set up their POS phone system took the money and ran.
Someone bashed in my headlight while my car was parked in my own garage. More later. In the meantime, enjoy this transcript courtesy of the film, Pulp Fiction:
Lance: Still got your Malibu?
Vincent: Aw, man. You know what some fucker did the other day?
Vincent: Fucking keyed it.
Lance: Oh, man, that’s fucked up.
Vincent: Tell me about it. I had it in storage for three years, it was out for five days and some dickless piece of shit fucked with it.
Lance: They should be fucking killed. No trial, no jury, straight to execution.
Vincent: Boy, I wish I could’ve caught him doing it. I’d have given anything to catch that asshole doing it. It’d been worth him doing it just so I could’ve caught him doing it.
Lance: What a fucker!
Vincent: What’s more chickenshit than fucking with a man’s automobile? I mean, don’t fuck with another man’s vehicle.
Lance: You don’t do it.
Vincent: It’s just against the rules.
I have complied with the Mattel’s requests to delete my twitter and facebook pages. I have tried several times to speak with their corporate lawyer about complying with their third request, which is to transfer this domain. No response.
So, for the three of you who decided to visit this site before it is ripped from my cold, dead hands, I thought I’d create a post.
Driving sucks right now, so I’m only doing it when I absolutely have to. Here’s a picture of me driving in the summer, holding a snake that some guy gave me.
This site will soon cease to be, so please visit PlatKat.com to continue following my misadventures. Cheers!
Disclaimer: This could be older than dirt, but it’s the first time I’ve seen it. I’ll eventually get around to posting pictures from my busy October, but until then, innuendo and word-play shall prevail!
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’ they have designed the ‘Clitaurus’. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
What is this? What do you do with a hearse?
Now you know.
A little backstory: Pike Place Market is a big tourist attraction in Seattle. It is situated between our downtown area and the waterfront. The market spans a little three-block street, which for some reason is open to thru-traffic. It is also open to pedestrians, cyclists, vendor tents, weird dudes with snakes, street performers, and every other thing that makes driving impossible. You’re not going to score a killer spot in front of the first Starbucks or a waterfront with thousands of visitors a day. Don’t even try. Just don’t.
Here’s a map of the street on which no one should ever drive:
Thank you for your attention.