Barbie Dream Hearse

Sorry I’m Not Home Right Now, I’m Walking into Spiderwebs

August 30th, 2010 by platkat | No Comments | Filed in Yakkin'

Most people e-mail me when they want to book me, and that’s great. But phone calls are fine too… if you know how to use the phone. Here are some examples of how to successfully ride Barbie, followed by a few that won’t even score you 15 minutes on a segway.

Messages I Answer
Example 1: “Hi, this is [Firstname Lastname] and I saw you at the Zombie Walk. I work for [Reputable Tech Company] and was interested in using the Barbie Dream Hearse for a parade we’re having to celebrate shipping a new product. Please give me a call back at [Phone Number] for details. Thanks!”

Example 2: “This is [Firstname] calling from [Local Tour Guide Company]. I saw you driving by the other day and we’d like to partner up with you for a special tour where guests can get a ride in the Barbie Dream Hearse. It’s [Day] at [Time], please give me a call back.”

Example 3: “Hey, my name is [Firstname] and I’m planning a wedding for a couple of friends on [Date]. If you’re available, call me back. Thanks!”

Messages I Don’t Answer
Example 1: “Hi, this is [Firstname]. Uh… what is the Barbie Dream Hearse ABOUT?”

Example 2: “I’m the one who yelled at you on Pike Street! Hey! What’s UUUUUUP!”

Example 3: “Wjdfhiuehyguvjbrugfjvfj… chchchch… Whdgrjvnjfjagdhgk. Okay.”

Okay?

A Three-Day Barbie Extravaganza

August 18th, 2010 by platkat | No Comments | Filed in Accessories, Driving, Events, Exterior, Seattle

Sunday
I attended the hearse club’s big ol’ picnic on the hottest day of the year. I got a sunburn, dozens of compliments, and the usual indignant assertion that my car isn’t a hearse.

I went to Factoria because it was Right There. Like most malls in the Seattle area, it’s laid out all stupid-like, but I had to park in the back of the lot either way. I bought a new pair of shorts and some cups for my upcoming drive:

When I got back to civilization, I rolled by the 12th Avenue Festival. I was thinking of crashing it (figuratively) and promoting the car, but it was at least 90 degrees out. The festival itself was comprised of several dozen uncomfortably hot people milling around on a short block of closed-off street. Meh.

So I went a little further down the road and put some air in my tires. Finally! Do you know how hard it is to find a decently functioning air machine in this town? You’d think I was looking for a hovercraft. Full of eels.

Monday
I high-tailed it from Everett down to Rainier Drive and picked up newlyweds Audrey and Liam. I took them to a park. Then I took a picture.

Then a professional photographer took some better pictures, which I’m hoping to receive sometime before I die. I don’t know what it is about photographers being stingy with their pictures, but I’ve run into a LOT of that since I started getting my picture taken all the time.

Me: “Hey, here’s my card. Would you send me the set or a link to it?”

Photographer: “Oh yeah, totally! I’ll do it this week! I’ll do it tomorrow! I’m doing it RIGHT NOW.”

Me: … (No pictures.)

So I took a self-portrait:

Then I headed over to Ballard to visit Josh, owner of the Geo-Duck Underwater Tour yellow submarine looking coolness.

Josh is gonna see about making some pinstripes that match my logo. I was going to have stars placed on the sides (a la the Barbie Dream Shirts), but time has passed, balls were dropped, and I’m moving on.

I also happened to encounter a guy named Jacob who was interested in doing some metal work to Barbify my bow. (That’s the curly thing on the vinyl top that helps charactarize my car as a hearse and not some other type of car with an extended chassis, vinyl top, and curtains.)

It was a pleasure meeting them both and I’m excited to see what comes of it!

Tuesday
I went to traffic court to fight a rash of photographed red-light tickets I received when I first started driving around my neighborhood. That would be First and Capitol, ahem, HILLS. My car is pretty heavy, so it isn’t as easy to accelerate and stop. Add hills and timing becomes even more of the essence. Despite my best attempts to follow the rules, adhering to posted speed limits and obeying traffic signals, I was sensed to have literally crossed a line or three. Funny how I get those pictures back right away.

So how’d it go? Two words: Female judge.

She knocked them down to half-price and I took off at my earliest convenience. But of course there was obligatory conversation.

“THREE? You know the definition of insanity, right?” she said.

First thought: “Expecting you to have a modicum of understanding that these red-light cameras are a waste of resources considering the serious and often fatal accidents that regularly occur on highways that could be made safer by police monitoring?”

Alternative answer: “So you’re saying I can use the insanity plea?”

I would have liked to explain to her how that line of logic is not at all relevant to this situation, but it was not likely to decrease the price of my tickets, so I gave her the answer she wanted: “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

(And I imagine I’ve slipped through a few more orange lights that aren’t monitored by cameras and I DID receive different results, i.e. no tickets. Come ON, lady.)

When I got home, I ordered new pirate-themed BDH magnets from Vistaprint for Talk Like A Pirate Day next month. Y’ar, it’s gonna be a fun one! (Incidentally, I’ve been using Vistaprint for little jobs like this for years and they are fantastic!)

Big Bonus Wednesday
I saw the chicken truck on my way to Everett again. This time, some of the chickens appeared to be alive and flapping. Maybe they were all just sleeping last time.

Also, I finally made the call and turned Admir’s debt over to a collection agency. I am sick of dealing with this whole mess. If you want to know what the hell I’m talking about, you can read back through my summer 2009 posts, but if you’re just joining me, I wouldn’t bother. It’s a common and tiresome story, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Here’s to calmer seas ahead!

Thar Be Contrast Ahead

August 11th, 2010 by platkat | No Comments | Filed in Accessories, Events

Who doesn’t love a good pirate-themed parade? And I didn’t even have to pillage and plunder to be invited to drive in this one!

Thanks to my new friend Shyster for my excellent Barrrrrbie Jolly Roger!

My Band of Wild Hearses

August 4th, 2010 by platkat | No Comments | Filed in Events, Hearses

The Rain City Hearse Club had a photo shoot at Tacoma Cemetery this weekend, and we had 10 coaches in attendance&mdasha new record for us, I think! We also had a gaggle of zombie models, a sadistically awesome clown, and eight photographers. Three of them were mine, because driving all the way to Tacoma is Serious Business.

Highlights included meeting Pandora for the first time and seeing my Bremerton brethren so we could continue basking in the glory of small town fame garnered by the wildly popular Silverlake Whaling Days Parade. I also got to eat a cupcake, and I hear the pictures of that are even better than the related video, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

So I’m clearly not as dark and scary as my cohorts, and I’m the only one smiling in a lot of these pictures. The sun came out almost the minute I arrived, and my day was filled with junk food and good friends, so yeah, I’m smiling!

The full album from Chad is shared publicly on facebook (no login required). I have a few shots from John posted in the official BDH Picasa web album as well. Pictures should continue rolling in. I’ll just keep grooming while I wait…

98… 99… 100.

The BDH Is Ready for Her Close-Up… Wait, You Better Stand Back

July 13th, 2010 by platkat | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

Amidst the Crypticonning and party-driving, the Barbie Dream Hearse made a brief appearance in a film by Shawn Telford called “The Suitcase Challenge”. It’s about a group of friends reunited to drink 24 beers in 24 hours, stopping for hijinx at various Seattle landmarks throughout the day.

I hightailed it downtown from Crypticon at around 6pm for the shoot, and the guys were already deep in the throes of intoxication. The cowboys and morphs, however, were sober (most of them anyway) and fun to talk to while I waited for my next driving assignment.

We ended up at the old Ranier brewery on the south end of town. It wasn’t a long trip by any means, but with nearly a dozen people in the car, three of whom seemed drunk enough to toss their cookies, it was a perfectly reasonable distance. I’m happy to report that everyone made it there in one piece, and I’d like to send a special thanks to whoever left the pair of wrap-around mirror sunglasses in the back. They go great with my patterned Jams and Reebok high-tops!

The shoot came with its own photographer; I pulled some of his best ones from my segment and added them to my album. If you feel like looking at 100 more photos of me making odd faces, you can do that here.

La Dignidad

July 11th, 2010 by platkat | No Comments | Filed in Cars, Funerals

When I tell people I drive a hearse, they sometimes ask if I have a casket. (I don’t.) If you haven’t heard of the Barbie Dream Hearse before, this is actually not a stupid question. It’s reasonable to assume that a hearse, even when used for show, might come with a casket. And it looks like the Mexicans don’t want to stop there.

Just think, if I’d bought a minivan instead, I could have had it all!

Barbieslist Missed Connection

July 10th, 2010 by platkat | No Comments | Filed in Driving, Stereo

To the guy smirking at me while we waited for the light to change on Broadway and Madison:

If I can’t enjoy my ridiculously booming sound system in my ridiculously large/old/quirky vehicle by singing along with Soul Asylum’s cover of “Sexual Healing” at the top of my lungs, who will?

I Have Surrendered to the Foosbook

July 9th, 2010 by platkat | No Comments | Filed in Events, Internet, Seattle

The allure of sending updates in pictures and snippets is just too great. And with summer in full swing, Barbie business is ramping up. I just wish I had more hours in the day to tell my cool stories, brah.

Crypticon

I made two airport runs on a Friday afternoon. Seatac to Everett and back. Twice. The real fuck of it: Californians. I used to question Seattle’s California hate, but I’m starting to understand it now. Actually, I’m embracing it.

ANYWAY, once I got set up at the event, I met some fabulous folks. I saw amazing amounts of creativity, mostly in the form of cool costumes and makeup:

And also some great photographers:

Last but not least, I met Chuckles DeClown, who… I… he really… yeah. I don’t know what to say. We hit it off though, and we shot a commercial together. Good (read: strange) times.

Red, White, and Dead Zombie Walk

I tried to do my own makeup for this and failed miserably. At one point, my eyes had soaked up so much black eyeliner, it had gotten into my nasal duct and the evidence was written on the tissue in black and green. That’s right, I’m so goth my snot is black! I’m hardcore!

Thus, I was a couple of hours late, but then again, so was the festival. Since I couldn’t get in touch with the organizers after multiple tries, I assumed I would just park outside the main entrance. However, disorganization worked in my favor for once and I ended up with a sweet spot by the stage, where I could promote the hell out of Barbie and watch my friend David play host to several thousand of the undead. Here we are taking a duck break:

If you’re on the Foosbook, you may have noticed my whirlwind week-long marriage to a sword-making zombie-killer. He was at the zombie walk too (of course), playing kind of a morbid Pied Piper for the those in search of brains. Ever the elusive one, here are his remains on my face. Who’s the zombie killa now!?

My hearse-partner in crime Adam brought his coach, along with an assortment of nerf guns and body parts. Here I am, suited up and ready for action:

I was also reunited with my favorite clown Chuck whose fangs are a lot sharper and attention-grabbing when they’re puncturing my leg.

Although the event was fantastic because I got to see a bunch of people I wanted to see, and I got to meet some new folks spearheading the initiative to keep this world a weird and wonderful place, it lent itself to a couple of problems.

First, whoever thought it would be funny to splatter blood all over my white paint and vinyl top just so you could get a cool picture in front of it, you need to die a second death. This is my only vehicle and the focus of my business. Even drooling, flesh-eating zombies are raised to have better manners.

Second, whoever got me sick last weekend should go ahead and die too. I stayed in for the 4th of July, blowing my nose and telling everyone to leave me alone. I spent all day Tuesday in meetings with a nasty head cold, taking breaks to remove fake blood from a 22-foot-long car with mild soap and elbow grease before the sun baked it in.

The day before, I drove to a friend’s barbecue and didn’t realize the entire passenger side of my car was splattered with blood until I got there. That explains the weirder-than-normal looks I was getting from folks on the street.

When I got home, I happened to pull into my space at the same time as my neighbor was arriving home. I live in a condo, but if I had a house, I’d be one of those neighbors with an overgrown lawn and cars parked all over the street because my garage was too full of crap to fit them. So when my nice Prius-driving neighbor pulled in next to my giant, blood-splattered hearse with a disassembled mountain bike and large dog crate in front of it, I had to say something.

“I just wanted to say that I realize everything about this is offensive, and I apologize.”

She laughed and said it was fine, and we had a nice conversation. Her name is Kat, too.

I’ve encountered quite a few people in the parking garage (all of whom live in the building) wanting to see my car. I’m surprised to find people so happy about having it there. I’m not out to piss people off, but it seems to be a byproduct of everything I do that’s fun.

However, I talked to one girl awhile back who said she saw an article about me in a magazine. That would have been cool, except I’ve only given one interview and it was done on video at Crypticon. So that’s a little weird.

“Black” Rocker Diva Fashion Show

June 11th, 2010 by platkat | No Comments | Filed in Events

So, I’m no model, but I thought it would be fun to sponsor and appear in a fashion show, so I did.

My silly smile and carefree strut captured in this picture look awfully familiar…

Here I am with the real models, still grinning like an idiot:

But you’ve gotta admit there’s a lot to be happy about.

This will probably be my last fashion show. The heavy makeup makes me hot and nauseous (they didn’t even use that much on me, comparatively), and I’m a really big fan of eating and not feeling self-conscious. But if there were some way to drive my car down the runway, I’d be all over it!

More Like “Little DEAD Studio”

June 9th, 2010 by platkat | No Comments | Filed in Seattle

Ah-ha-ha… I slay me. Here’s a picture of me and Jeff (owner of Little Red Studio) playing dead.

And I’m pleased to report I have since been resurrected.