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Jerk Night at the Apollo

August 12th, 2012 by platkat | Comments Off | Filed in Driving, Seattle

Despite the new law that allows the SPD to draw blood for DUI offenses, the Friday-night stupidity was in full swing on I-5. Perhaps not everyone was drunk, but the situation was bad enough to warrant this rant post.

I spent my entire evening driving to and from the airport, transporting out-of-town guests for a convention. I will write more about them in another post, since a quick skim would reveal a bunch of names under the heading “Jerk Night at the Apollo,” which is rather misleading because everyone I drove was extremely nice.

On my first trip, drivers were swerving at 60+ MPH speeds to avoid a traffic cone in the middle of a lane. This was a small green cone, not a the standard bright orange cone used in actual road construction activities. It probably fell off of a building or lawn care contractor’s truck because someone wasn’t talented enough at the Tetris game of packing tools into a truck bed. No matter where it came from, drivers clearly weren’t thinking of the several hundred pounds of impact they could endure from side-swiping the car next to them.

On my way back into town, I was nearly hit with a hubcap that came flying off of a beat-up old Sedan. I guess car maintenance is a thing of the past. I fear for the many Smart / hybrid / tiny fiberglass cars that would have been easily taken out by one of those things.

So some people lack judgment and are careless. Others are just plain shitheads. While I was slowly making my way through the parking lot known as “Arrivals,” a passenger in another car gave me the finger because I wouldn’t let his car in front of mine. If you have road rage as a passenger, I hope it’s because your driver license has already been revoked.

Their car was going to get to the terminal just fine (if there had been a lane-split, the finger would have been justified). The only difference is that it would be one car-width further away from the curb than the drivers who anticipated their desire to be close to the curb earlier and safely moved into the correct lane.

I’m not mentioning any of this because I’m surprised. It’s just more evidence that they should make the driving test harder, the fines for littering higher, and the desire to keep good company stronger.

For a Low Down and Dirty Good Time

July 31st, 2012 by platkat | Comments Off | Filed in Events, Exterior, Pictures, Seattle

See #29 on The Chive’s latest picture round-up. I’m a little lukewarm about being sandwiched between a fat lady and a bookstand featuring Fifty Shades of Grey, but at least they’re helping me stay under 30 as long as possible. Taken last week at the Greenwood Seafair Parade, this picture is proof that innocent bystanders give me better PR than I give myself. It also explains the poofy sleeves and pirate hat (I hope). Thanks to Chad for sharing the link!

Notice something different about me? Yes! I finally found a talented and efficient company to supply and apply my new side decals. Thanks to Erikka and Jed at Rainier Industries for making it happen!

And no, dear reader(s), you are not behind the times. I’ve haven’t been good about posting lately, which a quick google search shows has knocked my ranking back down below M@ttel’s. I have no excuse, except facebook, which seems to garner more traffic than any other web-based method, despite its dismal business model (but I’m certainly no one to talk). I can’t even blame the dog days of summer, since Seattleites all know it hasn’t happened yet.

It has been cool and cloudy (as I like it), but the rain has stayed at bay long enough for me to do a few more fun things. Touch-A-Truck presented by the Junior League of Seattle was a hit:

And I had a great time (as usual) riding with the Gothic Pride procession at the Seattle Pride Parade. I couldn’t decide whether to go goth, zombie, or girly, so I did all three.

Coming up next month is the long-awaited GeekGirlCon. I’ll be driving panelists, selling shirts, and yikkity-yakkin’ with some fantastic female business owners, artists, and authors. Don’t despair, geeky guys are welcome too! Since I’m a huge Wizard of Oz nerd, I am particularly excited about this event.

I’m also looking forward to serving as the getaway limo for some fun, highly anticipated Seattle-area weddings. Summer (or the season we call summer) is busy, but I still have a few nights open. Drop me a note if you want to make Barbie part of your big day!

As always, all photos (except the Chiver) were taken by Stacey Ryan Farrar, best photographer ever and all around amazingly sweet and wonderful guy.

View all the pictures!

Ringing in the New Year with Barbie!

January 4th, 2012 by platkat | Comments Off | Filed in Events, Pictures, Seattle

I had the pleasure of driving these decked-out revelers to an 80s-themed New Year’s Eve party at the EMP.

We were a bit early, so we hung out up front and welcomed the usual gawking from party-goers outside. What I wasn’t expecting, however, was a visit from the KOMO4 roaming reporter and cameraman. They started out by interviewing a couple of my customers, and I let them record the inside of the car, despite its lack of camera-readiness (as it would be anytime after I drive a big group of people around).

They didn’t ask me many specific questions, but seemed willing to film me until I stopped talking, so I gave the quick creation story and launched into my “Barbie doesn’t have to be tall, blond and fake anymore!” mantra. After they interviewed me, they took a bunch of shots of the hearse, ending with one of me pulling away. I always figure if something were to go wrong, it will happen on camera, so I was extra nervous. I even stopped at the end of the EMP driveway and came back to talk to the crew one more time to make sure they got everything they needed and humbly beseech them to shed my Barbie Dream Hearse in the best of light.

Then I hightailed it back to Capitol Hill to tell my friends the good news…. about being on the TV news. So far, all of the hearse-related coverage has been fantastic, but I’ve been burned by bad journalists pre-Barbie. The window of time between leaving the EMP and the airing of the news segment was a little nerve-racking, since the crew had enough footage to go either way. Luckily, the short segment was better than I could have hoped. They showed me, showed the car, named me, named the car, broadcast my brief glimmer of eloquence, and cut away with me driving off into the night.

Sadly, the story did not appear in web form and ran only once (to my knowledge) on the 11 o’clock news. Of course, almost all of my target demographic was out partying by then, but everyone I know over 40 saw it and thought it was a great piece!

Hearst World Problems

November 7th, 2011 by platkat | Comments Off | Filed in Cadillac, Cars, Driving, Events, Hearses, I'm A Jerk, Internet, Maintenance, Seattle

Terrible injustices are taking place:

1. I found myself at the front of a four-car pile-up while driving my body shop’s loaner car. (I am not at fault.) Some say I was lucky not to have been driving the BDH when it happened. How is it lucky to be stuck in Everett for two hours while the police fill out paperwork?

2. I recently learned that the Russians sometimes transport their dead in buses. How do they decide who gets to sit up front?

3. I went to the Seattle Auto Show and there were no Cadillac Ciels for me to sit in. How have they not started building these damn cars?

4. It’s hearse, not hearst. How did you get through this post without calling, texting, and/or visiting me personally to tell me what a horrible mistake I made?

Busy Busy Busy

September 8th, 2011 by platkat | Comments Off | Filed in Events, Parking, Pictures, Seattle

…is what we Bokononists whisper whenever we think of how complicated and unpredictable the machinery of life really is. The last few weeks’ activities seem simple enough in retrospect (photo shoots, gigs, and events), but the complicated machinery of life added to the complicated machinery of the BDH is enough to make my cranial engine spin sometimes. Here are some highlights:

A Bajillion Photo Shoots
It started off with an evening of firsts: Last month, I did my first bathing suit shoot, which was also my first shoot with another model. To be honest, it was kind of nerve-racking, but everyone was great. We went to Volunteer Park at sunset, one of my all-time favorite places (and times!) to shoot. I pulled some of my favorite photos, but have many more to be filed away as lessons learned for next time!

The majority of my recent shoots have been with Stewart from the Life Aquatic themed kickball team I drove awhile back. We visited at least two dozen locations around Seattle for a video reel he’s making for my website, which will look something like this with more pictures. While he was shooting stuff for the reel, I took a few pictures too, if only because I wasn’t sure how long I’d be in some of these places before I was asked to leave.

Our first shoot was at Golden Gardens, which is no easy feat when the weather is nice. We tried a few areas, but my favorite was by the marina. Although I’m not really into boats (other than my own land yacht, of course), I like the high availability of boats. Just in case some real-life Miami Vice action occurs, it’s nice to know I could easily find a boat to commadeer and finish the scene if I had to.

The following Saturday and Sunday mornings were a blur of backroads and backgrounds. I actually drove inside Gasworks Park and set up several several shots… and no one told me to leave. The most difficult place to get a picture was at the Olympic Sculpture Park by the waterfront. Some poor security guard actually stands there day and night to make sure hoodlums like me don’t drive on the sidewalk trying to get a shot of my car with the fountain. Yes, the creepy fountain.

We had a considerably easier time setting up shots back in Volunteer Park, and then we stayed in Capitol Hill to take a few pictures in front of my favorite piece of art, which will probably go away in 2045 when the monorail is finished being built. Here’s my car getting screamed at by a mural:

We also got a good night shot of downtown from Capitol Hill on Melrose Avenue, and I appreciate all the nice people who maneuvered around us while we set it up. That said, we only ran into one true asshole in the two dozen or so places we visited. A middle-aged man in an Infiniti SUV nearly hit Stewart and me while we were trying to get our Kerry Park shot. Wherever he was going, it’s not worth hitting two people with his car. Insert rich asshole cliche here.

Someone Hit My Car!
I noticed my driver’s side rear panel looking a little black and dented right before the final leg of my series of photo shoots with Stewart. That’s the angle we’re shooting the pictures from! Grr! I don’t know who did it, since I wasn’t in the car at the time. I’m guessing someone poorly estimated the turning radius on their own car and nicked it in a parking lot or something. Although it’s always nice to see the guys at L-M Body Shop in Kirkland, I really could have done without the extra expense this month.

Bedlam Bedlam Grand Opening
Score one for the Gothic community! Last weekend, Capitol Hill added Bedlam Bedlam to its roster offbeat shopping spots. I attempted to help draw some attention by parking outside for a few hours. Despite my lack of interest in shopping, I couldn’t resist trying on this killer piece:

I also did an airport run and celebrated the Day of the Dead a couple months early with my “Katarina” skeleton from my friend, Luis.

Ladies’ Evening Out

After spending a hot minute at Car Toys, only to be told I’d have to go elsewhere to fix the motor in my partition (d’oh!), I picked up some lovely ladies downtown and took them to some scenic Seattle spots. I now feel like I have been to Kerry Park in Queen Anne enough times to warrant a commemorative BDH parking space, which may or may not have a big cement block in it right now. We also hit Capitol Hill, Olympic Sculpture Park, and a special super-secret park in Alki with a fantastic view. Too bad it was a school night… these girls were a pleasure to drive!

View All the Pictures!

Seattle Bride’s Best of 2011

July 2nd, 2011 by platkat | Comments Off | Filed in Events, I'm A Jerk, Seattle

Yesterday was action-packed! After a long trip from Everett back to the Emerald Motherland, I picked up my new friend Jessica and brought her back to my place for a quick interview and photoshoot. She’s doing a photojournalism project about people who were affected by the recession. Since I had saved up before ending all of my contracts back in 2008, I enjoyed my year of “funemployment” traveling and working on the Barbie Dream Hearse. Most people were not so fortunate, and I’m happy to have been able to contribute a positive story to the project.

Afterward we headed out to South Lake Union for a party hosted by Seattle Bride Magazine. I won the “Kookiest Getaway Mobile” award and received a small write-up:

Since our shoot ran long, I missed the ceremony in which these kinds of important awards are accepted. If I had known it was not just a party and actually serious business, I would have been more prompt. But Jessica and I were having fun, and we kept having it well through the rest of the party:

Friday Roundup

March 18th, 2011 by platkat | Comments Off | Filed in Accessories, Barbie, Business, Maintenance, Parking, Pictures, Seattle

It’s a busy day in Barbieland. After a short drive to the Olympic Fairmont downtown, I tumbled down Jefferson Street to pay my tabs (and my tickets) and order my new personalized plates. Yes, I’m taking the plunge. After a year of indecision, I decided just about anything is better than blah-blah-blah-numbers followed by blah-blah-blah-letters. Shall I spoil the surprise? REALGRL. Go ahead, ask me about Lars.

And yes, I said tickets. Actually, it was just one ticket incurred almost right after I drove the hearse to Seattle and started my business. I parked on First Ave between 3 and 6pm, not noticing the sign amidst the 800 other signs gracing the central portion of the street. And then I put it off because I hate the idea of paying to take up space (which is why I don’t pay cover at clubs). But after a year of rolling up to dozens of parkways and loading zones and camping out for several hours (example forthcoming), 67 bucks is a deal. I really hope I didn’t just jinx myself.

I’ve also been meeting various home repair people lately, and it seems like experience with auto repair is a common precursor to fixing porcelain and plumbing. I don’t usually mention the hearse unless someone asks what I do, but since I tend to be home five days a week, just about everyone asks what I do.

This afternoon I did a brief photoshoot with Chris and his buddy Frogfrog. Chris created a website for Frogfrog, chronicling their adventures around the world. This kid-friendly site includes a “ribbitting” dragging cursor… don’t say I didn’t warn you!

The complete set of pictures is in my web album. Here’s a shot of Frogfrog enjoying the first-class service you would expect to receive in Seattle’s only girlie limo-hearse:

For the two or three of you who read this site but don’t follow me on facebook, I promoted the Barbie Dream Hearse at the Girl Talk show earlier this week. In addition to taking shitty pictures of the car out front and even shittier pictures of the stage, I wrote a good review of the show. Well, it’s good if you consider the fact I was writing it at 1am, and it’s good in that I enjoyed the show. I managed to drum up some business, dance like my inner raver-kid, and not get towed. Talk about a good night!

If you haven’t heard Girl Talk’s new album, All Day, stop reading this and go get it now! It’s on heavy rotation in the BDH and has something for everyone. Depending on your aural processing abilities, you may want to listen to this in installments.

Lastly, in honor of Barbie’s birthday earlier this month someone posted the age-old graphic of absurd proportions for us to enjoy. As I’ve said before, I can appreciate that Barbie is a toy, and we must suspend our level of disbelief to play in the fantasy world Mattel so generously bestowed upon us. However, due to Barbie’s momentous popularity, the tall, blond image has been ingrained in our minds as being synonymous with beautiful. For shame, America! In my opinion, a fat barbie is not the answer. There’s so much more than fat and thin at play here. For instance, how about a life-sized doll with bangs and a mouth that opens? You don’t have to sacrifice sexiness to get your point across. Besides, HAPPY 2B ME was too long for a Washington state license place.

There’s Snow Reason I Should Be Driving Today

February 22nd, 2011 by platkat | Comments Off | Filed in Driving, Pictures, Seattle

It was an Everett day for me and Barbie, although extremely short-lived. The weather in Seattle was nice enough, but as I rambled up I-5 at the first crack early, I found myself caught in a vortex of swirling white stuff. I had to skip my flying lesson (LGT my personal site; pardon the poor image quality) and go straight to work where the snow was already sticking.

It was continuing to pile up as I hastily met with everyone I needed to see and got the hell out of dodge. The snow was pretty and all, but my main concern was hydroplaning, which I managed to avoid. Going 40 mph for long stretches helped:

I lucked out, dealing with only slight mid-morning traffic. By the time I left Lynnwood, it was no longer snowing. However, I still had chunks of it falling off my car and my windshield wipers going at full speed to combat the slush flying up from the hood. As I returned to Seattle, I couldn’t help but notice how UNREASONABLY GORGEOUS it was:

Nonetheless, Barbie had a rough a day and was still trimmed with snow, so I bought her a drink and took her home:

Big Barbie Birthday

December 13th, 2010 by platkat | 5,803 Comments | Filed in Events, Maintenance, Parking, Seattle

Yes, Seattle’s favorite girlie hearse-haulin’ heifer has hit the big three-oh-no-it’s-really-not-so-bad. I still can’t believe how hard everyone rallied on a Tuesday. We even had the cops show up! But unlike my younger years, it wasn’t to say, “Shut down the PA. Everyone leave,” instead it was to hold up traffic on Pike Street just to say, “Your car is really awesome!” Multiple times!

I parked the BDH in what has become my signature spot-that-isn’t a spot in front of the Comet and handed out some new Barbie stuff, which I’ll have up on the site shortly. It was really great to see everyone, and enjoy a special birthday set from Sounds in Your Sleep.

Big shout out to Josh, who helped make my birthday special even from way down in Dallas. Southern boys clearly know what bitches like:

Now if only I could get someone to install the thing.

BDH Hibernation Continues

November 24th, 2010 by platkat | 5,932 Comments | Filed in Driving, Seattle

I haven’t driven anywhere in the past week, which would be alright if I didn’t have places to go. The snow and ice have left me housebound. As much as I’d like to show off my mad Chitown driving skillz, this is hardly a similar experience. All this time at home with my bored dog has allowed me to read a plethora of indignant posts about how Seattle drivers are bad, people are freaking out about a little snow, we should be more prepared, etc. They hardly mention hills, which change everything.

I don’t even want to mess with with icy inclines in someone else’s car, let alone my rear-wheel drive shebeast. Whether it’s my fault or not, the bigger car always gets the blame. Plus, the rear door contains my calling card. Although I’d get tons of exposure, I can’t imagine being stranded on the side of I-5 being good for business.

That is, if I could even make it that far. Those trying to enter my neighborhood are greeted with this sign:

Unfortunately, they didn’t put one at the bottom of the hill, not that it would have stopped anyone. It seems a good number of people still think “First HILL” is just a clever name. While walking the dog yesterday, I saw this fine mess:

FUN GAME: Can you find the penis in this picture?

A neighbor told me that happened Monday night and there were even more cars involved, which were towed. For lack of a better solution, folks just left their cars there until the next day. So some well-meaning individual put a single orange traffic cone at the intersection at the top of the hill. Despite that, I saw the same wreck this morning with different cars.

These wrecks are happening just feet away from my parking garage exit, so I hope everyone understands why I’ll be taking a break for awhile. I love a good challenge, but trying to traverse Seattle hills through snow and ice is a very bad one.

Stay safe and have a great turkey-day!